Joy and Pain

Brothers and Sisters, it is almost Resurrection Sunday and I can rejoice because my Lord and God is risen! Because he got up, I can have assurance that one day I will see the face of God and be with him in paradise despite my wretchedness. Hallelujah!

Beloved, tests come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. They appear out of nothing and occur when we are unguarded. I do not come to you with any answers today, only questions. I have searched the scriptures, and will continue to do so, but so far I have not found help for my particular situation. I have found comfort in His grace, and His grace is sufficient. But what do you do when pain enters your life and makes its home in your heart?

I have carried around a burden for longer than I care to remember now. It is heavy, and I am weary of it. This burden has been so long a part of me that there is never a time, awake or asleep that I am ever unaware of its existence. In times of great happiness, this thing pricks me so that I cannot experience the fullness of any moment. Beloved, this thing is so great that if I dwell on it (and I try not to) I literally can feel my heart rate increase. My breathing too becomes labored, as if this thing is sitting on my chest.

My dearest reader, I have fasted and prayed about this thing for months. I will continue to do so as long as it takes. The apostle Paul speaks of running a race until the finish. I am committed to running and running until either it, or I pass. My question dear reader is this, what do you do when your run turns into a hobble? Every step is more painful than the next, and you cannot see the finish line?

I know what some will say. They will say I have not given the problem to Jesus. Trust me, I have. However, when you are as close to the problem as I am to mine, it stares you in the face everyday. Everything you see, hear, and do reminds you of it. While I am making no attempts to carry this burden any longer, it seems to find me and jump on my back. It is like the thorn in Paul’s flesh, only it is in my heart.

I have found hope in the following idea. My Lord and Savior loves his church with a perfect love. He is married to the church and will continue to love her despite the fact that she may not always return that love. He loved us all so much that He became sin and bore the punishment for the sin of the world, so we could have his righteousness attributed to us. If He could do that, then He can either erase my pain, or give me enough strength to endure it. What he will do is His choice. I am comforted in the fact that the choice is His, and He works all things together for my good, because I love Him.

Friends, regardless of the pain this world can inflict, I have a joy in Him that this world did not give me. Thus, this world shall not take it from me. When that thing jumps on my back, I focus on that joy that I have in the only one that will never leave me, nor forsake me. I find solace, and refuge in the only one who knows everything about me, and loves me anyway.

If anyone has a good scripture that would encourage me, or someone else, now would be a great time to share it.